Not a failure: A Tryer

 

 

 

After a long hard month our family has come to the decision that we will re-enroll our kids back in public school. I would love to stay at home baking cookies, teaching my kids how to conjugate verbs and how to sing the quadratic formula song. Right now however, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." (Commander Spock, Wrath of Khan. 1982.) I have many children and I have yet to clone myself. This has led to a bit of mommy burn out and a lot of shoddily performed tasks on my part. We were unable to adjust to the online public homeschool program. Five weeks in and we were falling horribly behind. The kids were discouraged and I was a mess. I have always said that I want to do what is best for my kids education, and right now, that is not me as their teacher.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow, admitting that you've over committed or have fallen short. Most importantly I hate being called a quitter. I hate it when I try something and work really hard, but, I just can't see it through to completion. There are two ways to look at all I have done or attempted. Depending on my mood I either think of myself as a fighter; someone who has tried many things, done many things. I have been brave and stuck my neck out and charged forth with an abundance of faked confidence. Most of the time when this happens I kick butt and take names. Sometimes I just fall flat. Yet, I tried it. Other times I can begin down the spiral of feeling like a failure. It is so easy to count failures. Failure sticks out like a red flag on our record "look at what you couldn't do." I have learned that this is a lack of faith, a lack of resolve that God has a plan for me.

 

By not going forth and trusting in Gods plan for my kids I would count this as a loss. It wasn't a loss though. I taught my kids things, we spent time together, they got to see me crack under pressure and fail horribly. Sometimes our failures can be the best lessons. My kids may have seen me fall apart or get confused but they also saw me get back up and keep fighting. That is a lesson that they will remember forever. They have no false image of mom as this ethereal perfect being. What they do have is a lesson on trying, trying again and if it doesn't work out coming up with a new plan. Those are life skills that don't just fall out of a text book.

 



Homeschooling on the surface looks like a day filled with service projects, charity collections and baked goods for elderly neighbors.  Most people think of the afore mentioned description because that is what us home educators post on Facebook. Those are our highlights, our big days, our bragging moments. The reason most of us do what we do is because we want those moments with our kids, I know I do. Real homeschooling is not all field trips and look at me service projects. It's a meat and potato's hard core, do it or you don't get games kind of life. It's burned meals, forgotten appointments, and a pajama clad mom trying to remember how to do something she hasn't done in .... let's say 10 years.

In reality it looks more like this, only usually more laundry. I wanted to capture the cuteness while the floor was clean. So, what makes my experience different than most home school experiences? Probably the fact that two of my kids just learned English. Two of my students are autistic. One of my students is three years old and colors on everyone's stuff. Throw a teenaged boy in the mix, and it may not make me queen of the world, but, dang that's a lot of stinkin work.

Most of today I felt like crying. One of my sons has authority issues with women. Mainly because where he is from I should "remain quiet and not leave my kitchen." Another of my sons is procrastinating on a project. We are down a computer (pictured above) said computer is the only one we can print from.  My laundry has regained it's hold on the house (great news at least the piles are clean this time). I tried to cook dinner, not really my best area in house wifery, and it looked like, well it wasn't good . (My best recipe is Chinese food take out) The last time I looked half way decent was when I went to my birthday lunch this month. I even got what I asked for; a garbage disposal! That is pretty exciting when you consider the smell that was eliminated when the disposal got fixed and the bucket was removed.

Here is the upside folks:
Three of my five kids are in the fifth grade. The reading list includes some great stories on African American life. Lucky for me my kids don't have to learn about the K.K.K and segregation from a stranger. As a multi-ethnic family that is very important. My daughters aren't following the "Look at me I can be sexy in the fifth grade" crowd. Although, even if they went to public schools I would keep a handle on that. It's a lot easier when they don't care if their brother likes their outfits and they don't often make fun of each others outfits....because they share clothes. My oldest has chosen to learn to speak Japanese instead of sitting in front of the T.V. (mostly because we don't allow T.V. or games on school nights).

I don't know if I can do this forever, but for right now, it's right. Keep fighting the good fight mommas because no one else is going to do it for you! Keep your chin up, your spanks on and go for the goal!!!! (side note: this momma doesn't wear spanks, huh uh, too expensive. I wear  Wal-Mart shape wear......And I rock it!)