Not a failure: A Tryer

 

 

 

After a long hard month our family has come to the decision that we will re-enroll our kids back in public school. I would love to stay at home baking cookies, teaching my kids how to conjugate verbs and how to sing the quadratic formula song. Right now however, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." (Commander Spock, Wrath of Khan. 1982.) I have many children and I have yet to clone myself. This has led to a bit of mommy burn out and a lot of shoddily performed tasks on my part. We were unable to adjust to the online public homeschool program. Five weeks in and we were falling horribly behind. The kids were discouraged and I was a mess. I have always said that I want to do what is best for my kids education, and right now, that is not me as their teacher.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow, admitting that you've over committed or have fallen short. Most importantly I hate being called a quitter. I hate it when I try something and work really hard, but, I just can't see it through to completion. There are two ways to look at all I have done or attempted. Depending on my mood I either think of myself as a fighter; someone who has tried many things, done many things. I have been brave and stuck my neck out and charged forth with an abundance of faked confidence. Most of the time when this happens I kick butt and take names. Sometimes I just fall flat. Yet, I tried it. Other times I can begin down the spiral of feeling like a failure. It is so easy to count failures. Failure sticks out like a red flag on our record "look at what you couldn't do." I have learned that this is a lack of faith, a lack of resolve that God has a plan for me.

 

By not going forth and trusting in Gods plan for my kids I would count this as a loss. It wasn't a loss though. I taught my kids things, we spent time together, they got to see me crack under pressure and fail horribly. Sometimes our failures can be the best lessons. My kids may have seen me fall apart or get confused but they also saw me get back up and keep fighting. That is a lesson that they will remember forever. They have no false image of mom as this ethereal perfect being. What they do have is a lesson on trying, trying again and if it doesn't work out coming up with a new plan. Those are life skills that don't just fall out of a text book.